Monday, June 23, 2008

Ugh, the pain, the horror

Of perusing the information superhighway. Man, I don't even know how to put this depression into words. This industry and its community appear to get shittier every gdamn day. There is always some new fucker with an opinion, and you know he can't be wrong. I almost feel responsible. I mean, yeah, I know my fans and followers aren't real and I've constructed them in my head, but it's gotta be my fault.

Have you ever felt like you were Jim Carey in the Truman Show? Because I do every single day of my life. I don't believe it 100%, but my subconscious does. I'll tell myself, oh that is just a coincidence, but the little voice in my head will /winkwink /nudgenudge. I find something new to like and then other people find it, and these people are my followers, who don't really exist. However, they do exist and they end up doing/liking the same shit as me.

It's like they read my blog (or my mind!) to find out what to do next. It is my fault. I am not entitled/should not be entitled to speak my opinion so loudly, imo. Because if I can, so can all of my followers, who can be much more retarded than I. I feel like I run into previous versions of myself in every game I play, and I treat myself accordingly. Perhaps because I was practically raised by the internet (and my self). I mean, I used to be baaaaad. Like I cried over DAoC bad when I was in highschool bad. That fucking bad man. I feel like I've had to mentally go through/overcome a lot of shit, most problems created by myself or fabricated by myself, but still, problems to overcome.

I can't be that unique. I believe that if I do have these followers (which I know I don't, cmon just work with my crazy ass here) that I was an inspiration to them. To create a blog, to comment on blogs of people whose opinions are worth reading, to feel so god damn entitled to comment. Okay, I started doing this shit because I read AFKGamer's Grumpy Architect blog. I wanted to emulate him, I wanted to get my GF to play SWG with me, we were going to be crafters! It was what I want to call pathetic but I know is just slightly retarded. I was hoping to make a name for myself, without their being negative attached to it, but I don't think I even need a name for myself. I mean shit, I've played a lot of the games, I used to judge my life (and still do) by how far I could get in those games. But what the fuck do I know about design? What the fuck do my "entitled" followers know about design? Probably less than me.

I feel, maybe they aren't my followers, maybe I'm just the head of the retard pack, top of my class. Maybe I just don't know that I'm at the top of the retard class and at the bottom of the next rung up.

I don't know if I needed to get that off my chest or what, or if I even did anything with that. What I do know is that I should've never turned my followers onto the blogging and such. I wish I didn't get DAoC filled with a bunch of fucking CS elitist kids who are only elite socially (in their heads) and not elite in game. I wish I didn't feel like the leader of the retards and I wish someone had told me I was the leader some time ago. Because they don't listen to me anymore.

I'm becoming an old man. It's fucking cool but dude, I'm only 21. I'm gonna post a picture of my balding area when I get home. It's fucking baaaad. I'm 21 and when you look at the top of my head it looks like a fucking dogs balding ass because you scratch him above his tail too much.

But it is cool, I want it, I wanna be bald!

Thank you for reading, this has been another view inside the mind of someone you're glad you don't know.

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